Do Your Words Attract or Repel Others?

To be successful as a leader, you need to be able to build relationships where people are highly motivated to follow your passion, vision, and direction. Consider for a moment the effect your words have on others. When you speak, are you building these relationships, or tearing them down?

You think you’ve seen it all. Going through the TSA checkpoint at Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport recently, I heard a frustrated woman tell a TSA agent, “What else can I expect from someone who makes $10.00 an hour?” The TSA agent didn’t say a word, but promptly took all her bags to secondary inspection. I felt like giving this woman a little coaching by telling her, “When you open your mouth and say something really stupid, secondary inspection is exactly what you deserve.” But, I practiced what I preach and didn’t say anything stupid.

A good portion of our practice is coaching executives and managers to be successful leaders. To be successful as a leader, you need to be able to build relationships where people are highly motivated to follow your passion, vision and direction. Some people are masters at saying the right thing to build relationships teamwork and motivate people accomplish great things. On the other hand, we have all watched someone open their mouth and literally repel people away with their words.

When we watch people open their mouth and say something that ultimately undermines their ability to achieve their own goals, we silently think, “What were they thinking?” For instance, I remember an NFL football player who told the referee that he “stunk” after being called off-side. The referee called a second penalty for un-sportsmanlike conduct.

Some people seem to have the knack for saying the right thing at the right time. Others seem like God forgot to give them the “filter” that allows them to not say everything they think. Here are 6 tips to help you build even stronger relationships when you speak.

Remember, words are permanent. It’s easy to say something mean and hurtful under the umbrella of honesty.  “Hey, sorry this hurts, but I’m just being honest,” is a phrase we have all said or heard. The reality is there are a lot of things in life that don’t need to be said.  Better yet, there are a lot of things in life that don’t need to be said by you. It’s important to acknowledge that your words are permanent. Once you say them, they have a lasting impact on people in either a negative or positive way.

Think before you speak. Knowing that your words are permanent, ask yourself what you want to accomplish by opening your mouth.  Is your goal to build someone up, or to tear them down? Great leaders work diligently on saying the right things to motivate people to move in the right direction. While there are times leaders need to give people really tough feedback, great leaders work hard at saying it in a constructive way that will successfully accomplish the goal.

Shut up and listen.  A great rule of thumb is to get other people to talk first. When you understand where others are coming from, it makes it a lot easier to do two important things. First, you can carefully choose the right words for your response. Second, you can respond with empathy and a better understanding of where your counterpart is coming from. Listening is especially important when there is disagreement. Instead of talking with diarrhea of the mouth, stop, think, and choose your words carefully to ensure you achieve your goals.

Ask before giving advice.  Don’t give others advice unless they ask for your advice. If someone doesn’t agree with you, there’s a good chance that talking more and listening less won’t help you be more persuasive. My dad said it best, “people like you so much better when they do the talking.” If you feel the need to give people your advice, first ask if they would like to hear your opinion.

Be confident. People who lack confidence feel more of a need to tell others what they know. People who have a high level of confidence feel much more comfortable being silent and thinking about what others are really saying before they open their mouth to speak. For confident communicators, silence can be golden.

Be grateful. When you are grateful for the people and places in your life, it’s a lot easier to speak in a positive and meaningful way that will motivate others to want to be closer to you and help you accomplish mutual goals.

The next time you feel your emotion brewing and your frustration rising, think your thought… just don’t say it. By putting these six tips into play, you will significantly increase your chances of both building even stronger relationships and achieving your goals through effective communication.