Overcoming Resistance: Strategies for Coaching Challenging Leaders

Have you ever had an executive or manager who doesn’t take your feedback? We have all been there—you feel like you are speaking another language because nothing seems to come from your repeated requests or feedback! Maybe it’s time to bring a coach. But how do you know when it is time or if it will help? And, would they take the coach’s feedback either?

You may be asking yourself, why would a leader refuse or resist coaching? Some see it as a gift or investment in themselves and their future. While others see it as a punishment and only go through the motions to get it over with as fast as possible. 

After 25 years of executive advisory work and leadership coaching, I know this much: Unless I can change this leader’s perspective to see the benefits of having a coach or that there is a problem and a need for change, the project is doomed for failure. In most cases, there’s a good chance that, if the manager doesn’t change their behaviors, they will lose their job, with or without a coach.

Some leaders will resist coaching, while others will accept it gratefully. Read on for the most common reasons why managers refuse coaching or deny there is a problem in the first place, along with some tips on what you can do about it.

They fall into the arrogance category: When this is the case, the leader feels they are smarter and better than others in the organization, especially their boss. For this reason, they typically are not good listeners, focus on one-upping their peers to show their superiority, and have a tenancy to work against others in the organization, killing any hope for collaboration. 

They lack confidence: When leaders lack confidence, they are afraid to admit that they may not have all the skills to be successful in their position. Admitting that they need a coach is acknowledging that they are not perfect. However, when these individuals finally accept coaching, they usually do well.  The coaching gives them the skills to be successful in their jobs, which improves their confidence level. 

They lack trust: Some managers do not trust their boss’ intentions when recommending a coach. Instead of being grateful for the help and committing to improve significantly, they assume their boss is gathering information to fire them.

Do you have a manager on your team that falls into one of these categories? We all have at one time or another in our careers. Here are some things you can do to help raise the chances that a leader who does not want to be coached will be successful.

1. Understand Why They Resist: In some situations, the individual being coached truly believes that the problem is their boss, not them. In other cases, the manager may resist because they feel others in the organization will know they are being coached, and it will be viewed as they are either in trouble or incapable of doing their job. When you try to understand why someone may resist, you could walk in their shoes, show empathy, and build an even stronger relationship. And they may be more willing to accept the coaching help.
2. Set Clear Goals: The most important part of coaching is having a clear goal of the outcome for the leader being coached. It is not uncommon for a manager to tell us, “I am not exactly sure why my boss wants me to work with you.” Clear goals help increase the chances of success for the coach and the manager. 
3. Be Direct and Timely with Feedback: We have been hired before to coach a leader whose boss is hesitant to give the leader the tough feedback they need, usually for the sake of harmony and to avoid conflict. If the manager being coached feels there is no consequence for not changing their behavior, they are less motivated to change. This happens when there is a culture of avoiding conflict. The only way to get them to change is when their boss tells them, “We are investing in an executive coach because we believe in you, and you bring tremendous value to this organization. But, if you do not significantly change how you treat and lead people, you will not work here. I want to ensure my message is clear; do you have any questions?” 
4. Do a 360: If you have a leader who is good at their job but has trouble building relationships with others, sometimes doing a 360 leadership [link to LDA] development assessment will help. It works because it is easy to deny feedback from one person or even their boss. But, when 10, 15, or 20 people who work with you daily tell you something about your communication style or leadership, it commands attention. Doing a 360 with a struggling leader helps the leader as well as the coach by providing results on exactly where the leader needs help. Which, in turn, increases the chances that the leader will be successful. 
5. Recognize the Positive Steps Forward: In the coaching process, there are usually two steps forward and an occasional step backward. Stay focused on the positive and recognize success. Most often, the manager being coached knows they could have handled something better and has actions in mind to ensure the misstep does not happen again. 
6. Let Go: If the manager continues to resist the coaching and is unwilling to implement discussed actions or take ownership of their successes and challenges, you need to let go and invest your energy in people who see the benefits of a coach and have the desire to work with one. If you have the direct report we are describing on your team, letting go may mean that you need to share this employee with your biggest competitor. It will free up your time to invest in strategic opportunities rather than trying to coach someone who has no desire to listen to or act on the feedback and development opportunities provided to them. 

In the end, some people will see the benefit of coaching and the investment the company is making in them as just that—an investment in their future. They will work hard to learn, change, and become better. Meanwhile, others will fight the process the entire way and refuse to accept the help offered. If it is the latter scenario, all you can do is coach, counsel, and let them go, knowing you tried. 

Dusty Tockstein Dusty is a senior consultant at Peter Barron Stark Companies. Dusty works with clients to improve their corporate culture through a variety of tools, including Employee Engagement Surveys, 360 Leadership Development Assessments, Leadership Coaching, and Organizational Assessments.