Is There a Cost to Kissing Up to Your Boss?

Following a recent leadership training seminar, an employee pulled me aside and asked, “Do I need to kiss up to my boss or should I do what is right for the organization?” This is a great question with no one clear answer. Here is what I discussed with the employee:

Most employees find that it is important to their personal success and emotional well-being to have a good relationship with their boss; a relationship where the boss feels that the employee is supportive of his/her success in helping to accomplish the department or organizational goals. Statistically, employees who do not have a positive or strong relationship with their boss have less job security and are less promotable than employees who have a positive and strong relationship with their boss. Do you need to kiss up to your boss is a different question all together and depends on the definition of kissing up. There is a difference between supporting your boss and flattering your boss to earn brownie points or doing something immoral or illegal to stay in the boss’ good graces.

My next question to the employee was, “Do you need this job?” If you don’t need the job and can easily find another one, then the question of kissing up to your boss is moot. In this case, the employee stated that he did need the job, liked working for the organization and would indeed be devastated if he lost his job. With the goal clearer, my advice was to go out of their way to ensure that his boss felt supported and that he was significantly contributing to both his boss’ and the department’s goals. I explained that these behaviors would most likely help him achieve his personal goal of keeping his job and would set him on a trajectory for future success.

Next, the seminar participant asked, “But, what if the boss is asking me to do something that I disagree with?” My answer in this case is, “It all depends.” If the change you disagree with is change like implementing new technology or changing a process, then my advice would be to quit complaining and be a leader in helping your boss to quickly and successfully implement the change.

The seminar participant’s next question brought a new definition to the meaning of kissing up. The participant asked, “What if my boss is asking me to do something illegal or immoral like falsifying information or calling out an employee in front of others?”  This question changed my answer. I would never encourage anyone to do something that is morally wrong, not even to save their job, no matter how bad they needed it.

If your boss asks you do something that is illegal or immoral, you have a few options. You could make the choice to quit your job and leave with your integrity intact. Second, you could discuss your perspective with your boss in a non-judgmental way, explaining why you cannot support your boss’ directive. In this case, you need to be prepared for either a positive or negative reaction. Finally, you could tell someone who has the authority to get the immoral or illegal directives changed, like your boss’s boss or the Human Resources Department. Going above your boss is a high wire maneuver. I can guarantee your boss will not be excited about you going to others with your concerns. In this case you need to be prepared to stand firm regardless of the outcome. Should the company support your concerns you will have made a positive difference for your organization; if not, you may be faced with the choice to leave.

A word of caution; don’t make the mistake of going to someone else with a concern about a change just because you don’t like it. Before you head to the Human Resources office, make sure your concern is illegal, immoral or out of alignment with your organization’s values. If you go over your boss’ head with a personal complaint or disagreement, I can pretty much guarantee you your relationship with your boss will only get worse.

The reality is, very few managers ask employees to do something illegal or immoral. There are a lot of managers who do things that are not in alignment with their company’s values. Your responsibility before you go to your boss’ boss or Human Resources is to accurately assess the real issue you are dealing with. Is it an illegal issue?  An immoral issue? An issue that is not in alignment with the company’s values? Your correct assessment will most likely determine your future with the organization.