8 Habits of Emotionally Intelligent Leaders

We’re all familiar with what an IQ is, but far fewer people are in touch with how their EQ, or emotional intelligence, impacts their success. To be effective at building relationships where people are motivated to follow them, leaders need to be able to understand and control their emotions, understand the emotions of others, and be able to adapt their communication style in order to achieve their goals.

As consultants, we often coach executives to help them build stronger relationships with their bosses, peers, and direct reports. One of the most common reasons we’re called to work with executives is in the area of understanding and managing their emotions. Here are some real life examples:

The executive…

• Doesn’t listen
• Doesn’t effectively read the emotions of others
• Responds in a way that comes across as disrespectful, belittling or angry
• Tells people that how they feel isn’t as important as the job they need to do
• Make statements like, “I can be nice, or I can tell the truth.”
• Doesn’t know when to shut up and keeps on talking even when it’s obvious they aren’t achieving their goal
• Sends emotionally charged emails and copies multiple recipients so numerous people can verify at the same instant that they lack emotional intelligence
• Is surprised when someone finally tells them that their communication style is inappropriate or offensive
• Rejects feedback and blames their behavior on others

Unfortunately, these behaviors are often exhibited by incredibly bright and successful leaders. These leaders generally produce extraordinary results in their areas of influence. Think about it – if a leader exhibited the behaviors listed above and didn’t produce excellent results, they would most likely have been fired already.

Emotions are a big part of our personal and professional lives. Everyone communicates their emotions, both verbally and nonverbally. To tell someone they shouldn’t feel or express emotions at work is counterproductive and near impossible.

In 1990, John Mayer of the University of New Hampshire and Peter Salovey of Yale coined the phrase “emotional intelligence” (EQ) and defined it as the ability to monitor one’s own and others’ feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them, and to use this information to guide one’s thinking and actions.

The following 8 tips will help you build even stronger relationships by increasing control of your own emotions, understanding the emotions of others and, ultimately, become even more successful in achieving your goals.

Thank people who have the guts to give you feedback: When you have a reputation for being a harsh communicator, most people don’t feel confident giving you feedback directly. So, instead of telling you how they feel about your communication style, they usually go to Human Resources, the CEO, or your boss. Or worse, they say nothing at all. If someone has the courage to give you feedback, listen to the feedback and thank them for it.

Apologize: When you receive feedback that your communication style wasn’t well received, the best thing you can do is genuinely apologize. It takes confidence to be able to say, “I was given feedback that my communication in today’s meeting was perceived as disrespectful and abrasive. That wasn’t my goal and for that I apologize and commit to not doing it again.” If you’re true to your word and never exhibit that behavior again, you are building even stronger relationships.

Don’t rely on the ‘either/or’ solution: People who don’t appreciate or agree with feedback regarding their behavior prefer the ‘either-or’ solution in life. It works like this: The leader says, “Fine! I can either be really nice so everyone is happy with my communication style, or I can produce results.” What’s really needed is a leader who can communicate in a respectful way AND produce results.

Clarify your long-term goal: Is your goal to be a great leader who builds strong relationships and achieves great results? If it is, you’ll need to remember the critical components required, and change your communication style. I worked with one leader who told me, “I don’t care how I’m coming across, I’m telling the truth! If people don’t like my communication style, they can leave.” With this leader, I’m convinced that if anyone who reported to him is ever asked to give his eulogy, they will have to bite their tongue not to say, “He was one of the most disrespectful and mean individuals I’ve ever worked with.”

Don’t communicate when you’re angry, frustrated, or upset: Wait until the intensity of your emotion has subsided. This might take 5 minutes, a day, or maybe even a week. Unless you know for sure that you can have positive, relationship-building conversations when communicating while angry or upset, wait for a time when you’re in control of your emotions. This also means saving emails as drafts and rereading them at a later time before you hit the send button.

Take action: If enough people tell you that you have a tail, you need to turn around and take a look. Act on what you hear and make changes. You can work with a coach, you can attend communication skills training, you can decide that you will change your communication style, etc. It all starts with a decision to change. Once you make the decision to change and follow through on it, you’ll be able to exhibit different behaviors.

Appoint or hire a coach: You can hire an executive coach to help you develop solutions to improve your communication style, or you can get help from a colleague. Feedback from someone who observes you daily can be even more helpful in discussing what you’re doing well and where you have opportunities for improvement.

Ask for feedback: The only way you’ll know if you’re heading in the right direction is to ask people for feedback. Ask people how they feel about the topics they bring up to better understand their emotions, and then ask for feedback about how your communication style is perceived by others.

It doesn’t matter how smart you are, or how much you produce. Ultimately, to be successful as a leader, you need to demonstrate both your IQ and EQ on a daily basis. Putting these 8 tips into practice will help you become an even stronger, more respected leader–the kind of leader people want to align with and follow.