Friendship and Leadership – The Do’s and Don’ts

Some leaders naively believe that if they are friends with their direct reports and their direct reports like them, the job of leading them will be a lot easier. When you spend 40+++ hours a week in close proximity to your employees, forging friendships may seem like an excellent idea. Why not add the benefits and cheer of friendship and comradery to your work day? Well, here’s why not. Being a competent and caring leader at the same time is really hard, and our considerable experience in these matters has shown us that true friendship makes a leader’s job harder, not easier.

I strongly believe that building friendships with your direct reports is a mistake. Don’t get me wrong – there are exceptions, and there are certain aspects of friendship that are indeed beneficial to leadership. I’ll get to that, but bear with me for a minute. No matter how close you are to an employee, don’t ever mistake it for true friendship. The inherent role of a manager creates situations that will transcend the boundaries of any close friendship. For example:

• A true friend would probably never make a decision that puts you in financial straits, like firing you from your job.
• A true friend would likely promote you over others…even if you may not be the most qualified person for the job. 
• If you were experiencing personal challenges outside of work, a true friend would be understanding and hold you less accountable during these difficult times.

Some common challenges encountered when leaders become personal friends with their direct reports include:

1. Accountability: When an employee is your friend, it is a lot more difficult to maintain accountability, especially when it involves another employee with whom you may not have the same level of friendship.
2. Giving Feedback: It is hard to give difficult feedback at the best of times, but even more so when you have to give it to your friends. Some amiable, highly supportive managers would rather quit themselves than give difficult feedback to a true friend.
3. Understanding: If employees are your friends, they will expect more understanding about their personal, unique situations. If I am your true friend and I am going through a divorce, I expect you to hold me less accountable for accomplishing my goals next quarter.
4. Favoritism: If you are friends with some members of your team outside of work, (for example, partaking in activities during the weekends with them) the other team members who are not included will be looking at every decision you make through a lens of unfairness.
5. Decision Making: When you are close friends with your direct reports, making tough, objective people decisions gets even harder. Leaders that have close friend relationships with their direct reports will have a harder time keeping their relationship separate from making the best decision as a leader for the organization.
6. Support: When you believe you have a true friendship with your direct reports, you expect unconditional support. However, real world experience shows us that when employees don’t like your business decision, they will find it difficult to support you.  Not only will you be disappointed, but you will find yourself in a difficult position explaining to your boss why your team goals are not being accomplished.
7. Socializing: Can you still go out for a Happy Hour drink with your employees? Absolutely, but with a couple of conditions:

• Invite everyone on your team…not just those you perceive as friends. If you don’t invite everyone, team members who did not attend will assume that you talked about them. 
• Second, buy everyone a drink, share that one drink with the team, and then leave. 

Be Friendly, rather than Friends

As strongly as I oppose friendships with direct reports, understand this:  leadership is based on effective workplace relationships. I am by no means suggesting you distance yourself from team members, or show a disinterest in their lives. I recommend you be really friendly, and really caring – both important pillars of genuine friendships and leadership alike. Those two competencies will serve leaders really well in most situations. 

We continue to be challenged on our “be friendly, but don’t be personal friends” advice.  In truth, someone occasionally tells us a heartfelt story about marrying a “true friend” who once reported to them, and then living happily ever after. For every happily ever after story, though, we’ve heard many more stories about the demise of a leader who had their leadership compromised because of their personal friendship with a direct report.  

Hopefully, I’ve convinced you to steer clear of close friendships with your employees. However, if you still believe you can be true friends with your direct reports, we support your decision. It creates great management consulting projects for us.